When you look back at certain events, especially as time passes, different things stand out to you.

I wonder if part of it is your brain trying to make sense of what happened, to find some meaning or depth. But sometimes it just feels like a scratched record skipping and playing the same three notes over and over until you want to scream in frustration and pain.

“Walking into the hospital my gut was *screaming*. This isn't right this isn't right this isn't right.  Over and over and over. It's like you're watching it happen to you in slow motion but there is nothing you can do to change the outcome.”

“Because if I hadn't asked questions the entire pregnancy, why start now?“

Every Monday, I will post a new part to my own personal birth history. This will not be happy most times, but over the years I’ve given myself a lot more grace and love, and I hope the story reflects that. I don’t know right now how many parts this will have, but it’s going to cover almost a decade of how I truly got to where I am. I’m not going to gloss over hard things, and be aware there is talk of cesarean sections, the NICU, repeat miscarriage, infertility, blood, and possibly more that I don’t even realize right now. I may include pictures sometimes as well. This is my life, as best I can tell it, and I hope it gives a little insight into who I am beneath the sarcasm, emo music, and C-3PO level of know-it-all I carry around the world.