Miscarriage Series - Part 4
This part four of a five part series, based entirely on miscarriage. It will talk about signs and symptoms of miscarriage, physical health, medical care, holistic care, physical healing, emotional healing, memorials, how to help a friend of family member, and will have three meditations available to listen to.
In my shop there is a document with every handout in one file, if you want to download them that way instead of individually from each post. There is a small fee for this to help with costs. The posts and handouts on each post are available for free, though donations are appreciated for the work to create this resource and also to help those going through a miscarriage. Links to donate are available at the end of each post.
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One of the hardest parts many find is how to be there for someone they love while they are going through a miscarriage without being a burden or saying the wrong thing. I wish I could say that you will never say the wrong thing or that you will be the perfect support. Life isn’t that easy. But there are many things you can do to make sure you are helping them through the pain instead of adding to it. Don’t be afraid to be with them, your disappearance can be just another thing they’ve lost. If you learn anything from this let it be this one thing - don’t leave them.
It can be daunting to face death, especially of a baby. Babies aren’t supposed to die. Babies are supposed to live, bring us joy and laughter. Death doesn’t do that. And so often, the way we get through death is remembering times when they did bring us joy, yet in miscarriage that isn’t really a possibility. There aren’t birthdays to remember, milestones, memories of smiles. There is just a hole.
There is a really great idea that grief and holding space are about circles. It’s called The Ring Theory, and it beautifully applies to miscarriage.
I’m going to quote from the author of this theory:
The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, "Life is unfair," and, "Why me?" That's the one payoff for being in the center ring. Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.
When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you're going to open your mouth, first ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn't, don't say it. Don't, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don't need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, "I'm sorry," or, "This must really be hard for you," or, "Can I bring you a pot roast?" Don't say, "You should hear what happened to me," or, "Here's what I would do if I were you." And don't say, "This is really bringing me down."
If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that's fine. It's a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.
"Comfort in, dump out.”
Illustration by Wes Bausmith
The person most affected by this is the pregnant parent. The next is their partner. You are not in the center ring in this situation - EVER. You are in a larger circle than them. You need to dump all of that out to a larger circle. It isn’t about you.
This one thing is so important to remember. Be there, and comfort in, dump out.
Now, don’t let this intimidate you. It’s scary. And even as someone that has been through repeat loss, I say the wrong thing sometimes. All we can do is try not to do it again, and be aware of what we are doing. It’s that simple.
As for don’ts - this is HUGE. And a big part of this I’ve already written about. DO NOT LEAVE THEM. Be there. Check in. Don’t expect answers back, but make sure they know you are there. They aren’t ignoring you, because it isn’t about you. They are dealing with this the best they can, and they deserve your love and trust.
Platitudes are gross. Try really really really hard to never use one. They feel impersonal, and to some can even feel like an attack.
These include:
“Try to think positively” - positivity can suck it. Grief isn’t a bad thing and positivity isn’t the answer.
“At least…..” - THIS ONE SUCKS. There is no at least about miscarriage. It’s whole and encompassing, and at least diminishes it.
“I know how you feel” - remember: COMFORT IN, DUMP OUT
“Everything will be okay” - you don’t know that.
Never ever ever ask if they are over it. Even if it’s 50 years from now. No one would ask someone if they were over their partner dying, so don’t ask it now. The loss mattered, their grief matters.
Don’t disappear. In 2-4 months, things will get much worse for them, and they will need everyone they can.
Don’t dump your crap on them, unless they ask and seem truly interested
Again, don’t be intimidated. Keep showing up, even if you stick your foot in your mouth. In the end, when the fog lifts and their grief is a little smaller, they will remember that you were there. That’s so important.
I figured I would end the post with practical tips on how you can help, and know that even if you can’t do any of these because of distance or personal stuff or any other reason, that’s okay too.
I know I’ve repeated this numerous times in this post, but let them know you are there. If you are available in person, let them know specific times you will be by. Things such as this:
“I’m bringing dinner by at 5:45. You don’t need to answer the door, I will leave it outside if you don’t answer. I will text/call when I get there to let you know.”
“I’m coming by on my lunch break at 1pm, I would like to do some laundry or clean for you. If you’re okay with that, leave the door unlocked or answer when I knock. If you aren’t, that’s ok. I’m available if ever you are.”
If you call or text and they don’t answer, this is not a reflection on you. They are going through something and sometimes it’s just too hard to even wake up, let alone talk to people. Know that it isn’t about you, and they appreciate the reaching out.
Sit with them, in silence if they don’t want to talk. You can’t fix this with words, but your presence can be a comfort.
ALWAYS USE THEIR BABY’S NAME IF YOU KNOW IT. This is the biggest thing you can do with your words. USE THE NAME ALWAYS. You aren’t reminding them, you aren’t making them sad, you are agreeing and showing you loved that baby as well. You are giving them a gift by acknowledging the life that existed.
It’s okay to cry if you are with them. Seeing someone else have big emotions can help them express their own.
Do something whenever you visit
Pick up trash, take the trash out, do the dishes, do laundry, vacuum, cook for them. Anything!
They may not notice things that need to be done, but even if they do, these little acts of physical love are important so they know they aren’t forgotten, and it will lighten their load just a little.
They may not even notice you did it, AND THAT IS OKAY. It’s not for them to say thank you and show gratitude right now. It’s for you to put comfort in. That’s it.
If you pick up mail or anything else, whether from a mail box or inside the house, make sure to put it in a central location that they know about. Bills can be forgotten in this time, and no one wants their power shut off because they don’t remember getting a bill.
Remember the important days
The day they died, the day they were born, their due date, first birthday. Those days matter in the years to come. One of my most treasured things is someone remembering their birthday. It doesn’t happen often, yet every time it does it is one of the most amazing feelings.
If the funeral (if there is one) is published in the paper, have someone stay at their house. Burglaries are common during this time, and having someone at the house can ease the parents’ mind so they can grieve and say whatever they need to without worry.
Small things in this time matter. One day they will wake up and things will be a little clearer, and when that happens, you don’t want to miss it because you walked away. When they laugh for the first time, when they want to go out to dinner or a movie, when they want to do something - you want to be there for those. There is no guarantee that every day will be good once that starts, because grief is like an ocean wave - coming and crashing against you when you least expect it. Be there for the good and the bad - it matters.
A very dear friend Kristine Brite McCormick wrote a wonderful booklet titled “When Your Friend’s Baby Dies”. Her daughter Cora died at 5 days old, and after many missteps and people asking what they could do since they had never been in this before, she wrote this to help. It’s 24 pages long, and worth the purchase and read.
You get a text message or voice mail you'll never forget. Your friend's child has died. You want to help, but you're afraid of doing something wrong or overstepping your bounds. Kristine Brite McCormick, who lost her baby at five days old to a heart defect, guides you through some suggestions for helping your friend and gives you the insight from her experience as a babyloss mother in this booklet. This short and easy read offers practical tips about how to help after your friend's baby dies and also gives you an insight into what your friend might be feeling.
In the end, remember the one thing - just be there. It truly matters.
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Below is the one handouts as an image file that is free to download. Simply click the image to be taken to the file. If you wish to have higher quality PDFs, please visit my store for the file containing every handout in this series.
If you need a coupon code or the files for less than the $10 they sell for, please reach out to me.
If you wish to donate to my business to help those going through miscarriage, you can below as well. I offer holistic loss services as donation based fee only.
